On the outside, to the world around me, I appeared to be kicking butt at this mom thing. I loved my kids and worked very hard to do the best for them. I breastfed, co-slept, led the local mom’s group, and home made all of the baby food. All of the things I thought I was “supposed” to do to be a good mom. But on the inside, in private, I felt so completely different. I was sad, mourning the loss of my freedom, my body, my time. I was angry, why didn’t anyone help me? I was sleep-deprived and not eating well. Even though everyone told me I was doing great, on the inside I felt like a total failure. Like I was messing up my kids from the very first day…despite my best efforts and intentions. This duality of who I appeared to be to others and how I felt inside led to feeling depressed and also anxious. I was worried about my baby’s safety, worried about how other’s perceived me, worried about messing up…worried about everything. I would cry when no one was looking. I would binge on junk food to try and find some joy. I would body shame myself and engage in very negative self talk. When I mentioned any of this to my mom, sister, or husband, they would tell me what I am feeling is “normal” and I will get over it eventually.
But I didn’t. Not until I finally sought out therapy and got my physical health in order. It really didn’t matter what was going on around me, that wasn’t the problem. I had to address what was going on within myself. I remember my first therapy session when I, for the first time, said out loud to another human how I felt. I mean, I had vented with other new moms before about the woes of parenting, but to my therapist I exposed my deepest, darkest thoughts. This was the beginning of my journey towards feeling like myself again. The “me” that I was before I had babies. Just simply saying what I was feeling and being heard by someone else (someone who had no judgement against me) was so helpful. It allowed me just enough light and healing to then make changes to my lifestyle, to take care of myself. I was able to find the energy to work out a little more often. I had the motivation and desire to engage in social relationships again. I had the discipline to make good food choices. It sounds so simple, I know, but therapy really change my life. I was able to be the woman and the mother and the wife that I so badly wanted to be. It took time, many months, but having my therapist guide me through it was a game changer for me. And I am so grateful for the experience.
**Tara was not a client of Janna Lipka’s. She received counseling elsewhere but was gracious enough to share her story with you. Her kids are now in elementary school and they all are thriving. She says she still visits her therapist here and there to keep up the good work.
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